The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
