I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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