One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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