After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
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It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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