last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
