am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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