Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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