I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize