Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
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It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
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So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize