Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Randomize
