Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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