I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
