I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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