I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
