If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
