she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
