I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
