Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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