I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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