someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
