I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
