Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
