Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize
