when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
