you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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