with your own penis?
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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