why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
