i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
