Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
