hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
