your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
