Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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