So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
