So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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