he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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