Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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