So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
