So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
