i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Dicks are not precious.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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