she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
