She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
