last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
