It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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