I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Randomize
