Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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