it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
