when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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