If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
