FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Randomize
