there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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