it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
