Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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