This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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