after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
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Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
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Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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