If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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